


Before Ever After

by TheNightFury



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Ahsoka Salt, Canon Compliant, Canon doesn't say this can't happen, Denial, F/M, I am angry and upset, M/M, Major Salt, Slow Burn Kalluzeb, Sort Of, Unrequited Crush, kanera - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:21:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23164666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheNightFury/pseuds/TheNightFury
Summary: Before the defeat of the Empire, what remains of the Ghost Crew will have to fight to hold onto what remains of their family.
Relationships: Alexsandr Kallus/Garazeb "Zeb" Orrelios, Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla, One Sided Ahsoka Tano/Hera Syndulla
Comments: 1
Kudos: 26





	Before Ever After

**Author's Note:**

> In case you missed the tags, this fic will have some Ahsoka salt and not paint her in the best light so if you enjoy her character this fic really isn't for you. Everyone else I hope you enjoy!! This fic started off as a one shot and then kind of got a lot longer.

Quiet, empty, lifeless. The words echoed in Hera’s mind as she walked through the now painfully empty Ghost. The halls that where once bursting at the sems with life and activity where now silent and barren. The last time the Ghost had been so empty seemed like a lifetime ago. She wasn’t angry at them for leaving, she knew they had to, but that didn’t soothe the deep ache in her heart. She missed her family. She wished she could go back to a simpler happier time, before they became consumed by the war, before they truly joined the rebellion, before she lost everything to this war she was once so passionate about and now was starting to wonder if it was even worth it. 

Kanan was gone, Ezra was missing and every day Hera found herself wondering more and more if she would ever see him again. Sabine had isolated herself on Lothal, desperately clinging onto the belief it’s what Ezra wanted her to do. And Alex, trapped on Yavin as punishment for coming to Lothal to help them in their time of need. He was constantly assuring Hera that he would do it all again in a heartbeat, even knowing the repercussions he would face from it, permanently trapped on desk duty. Likely never allowed to help on the front lines again like he wished. Hera wasn’t surprised when Zeb informed her, he would be staying on Yavin with Alex. He still went on missions with her as needed, but it just wasn’t the same. He insisted it was because he knew Alex would need a friendly face around to keep him company, but she could see the look in his eyes when he looked at Alex when he thought no one was looking. 

He was in love. He may not be quite ready to admit it to anyone, including himself, but she knew. She was once him, so beautifully, wonderfully in love. Ready to risk life and limb for the mere promise of a future with him free from fear and suffering. Still holding onto the childish notion that maybe they would both live to see the end of the war and could start a life together. She was so happy that he found someone that could make him smile like that, but a small part of her hated him for having what she had lost so brutally. Once one of them worked up the courage to admit their feelings for each other, they could be together, could be happy and have a long peaceful life together if they so choose and as much as it hurt to admit it, she hoped that maybe they would decide the risk wasn’t worth it, that they would see how much pain she was in from losing Kanan and decide they couldn’t lose each other, that they would just run away and be safe and happy. 

At the end of the day though, she knew neither of them ever would. Zeb lost everything to the Empire, and Alex couldn’t forgive himself for ever having been apart of the Empire in the first place. He would not rest until he either died or the galaxy was free from the Empire’s reign og terror. No they would stay here fighting until the bitter end, just like Kanan…but he hadn’t wanted to. Kanan wanted to leave the rebellion, wanted to do everything in his power to keep their family safe and together but Hera didn’t listen, too blinded by a need to do more and more, dragging her family into increasingly dangerous battles, blindly believing they would all make it through to the end like they always did.

How naïve she had been to believe that. She had taken the precious gift the universe had given her for granted and now it was gone, snatched away thanks to her ignorance and nothing would ever bring it back. The halls of the Ghost echoed with her footsteps, a cruel reminder of how alone she was. And it was her own fault. 

Without realizing it, Hera found herself wandering into Sabine’s old room, her gaze moving up to the mural of their family, all smiling, happy, together. What she would give to go back to that time. To have her family back with her, to not have the weight of the galaxy on her shoulders. To not have to face the grim reality by herself every day. There was nothing she could give though that could convince the galaxy to give her back her family. She had her chance, and she wasted it. 

She may have wasted her chance, but she would not let Zeb and Kallus waste theirs by dancing around the subject. They needed to be honest with each other about how they felt before it was too late-

_Why are you in here? You should be resting._ Chopper beeped as he rolled into Sabine’s room.

“I’m fine Chopper,” Hera assured. 

_What would smelly say if he saw you up and about and not resting?_ Chopper beeped. 

“Chop, you don’t know what Zeb smells like, you can’t smell,” Hera sighed. 

_Everyone says he smells_ was Choppers simple reply. Hera could practically hear the unspoken Ezra said he smelled so therefore he did. In his own way the nickname was just Chopper showing how much he missed Ezra, as much as he may try and deny it. 

“Well Zeb would understand that the war doesn’t stop just because of a pregnancy,” Hera said. 

_Maybe not, but you organics cannot go on forever and I will not feel sorry for you if you faint because you did not take care of yourself._ Hera really didn’t have an argument for him, but she also knew she wouldn’t be able to fall asleep with too many painful memories swirling in her mind.

“I just don’t think I can sleep right now.” Hera whispered. “It’s too quiet around here….”

_You’re lonely._ Chopper beeped. 

“I miss my family,” Hera whispered, fighting back tears. “our family.”

_…smelly and muttonchops should be here with you not screwing each other on the base._

“They’re not doing anything,” Hera said. “They’re too scared to admit their feelings to each other. If they keep dancing around the subject it might suddenly be too late-“ Hera froze, choking down a sob. The unspoken _like me and Kanan_ hanging in the air. Hera tightly wrapped her arms around herself, taking a shaky breath to try and stop the tears. She was tired of crying, tired of being lonely and miserable. Tired of wishing she could change the unchangeable. 

_They should still be here with you._

“They should be allowed to live their lives how they wish to,” Hera said. “My feelings are not more important then their own. If they are happy, I refuse to interfere and make them feel guilty.”

_If they actually cared for you they would be here for you right now._

“Their lives cannot just stop just because I’m pregnant,” Hera scolded. 

_Well you need someone here for you!_ Chopped declared, his antenna rising as he tried to contact…. someone. Hera could not fathom who he might be calling, everyone was here on Yavin-

“Chopper what-….Hera?” Ahsoka. She was alive? 

“A-Ahsoka?” Hera whispered, stunned. 

“It’s good to see you again Hera,” Ahsoka softly said a warm smile on her face. 

_Hera is very lonely right now and she needs someone._

“Oh Hera I’m so sorry. Has Kanan…passed already?” _Already?_

“W-what are you talking about?” Hera stammered. “Y-you knew Kanan would- t-that he-“ Hera couldn’t even voice the words, mind struggling to process everything that was happening. “H-how are you-alive?”

“Ezra…he saved me, rescued me at the last moment.”

“But he thought you where dead,” Hera said, struggling to understand. Ezra was so certain she was gone but why would he be if Ahsoka was actually alive and he saved her? 

“The portal on Lothal,” Ahsoka said. “He pulled me out from the temple.”

“Wait- h-how you left over a year ago and we went to the temple-“

“It’s a little complicated,” Ahsoka said. “But the temple lead to a place outside of time that he used to save me.”

“Wait,” Hera said, hope swelling inside of her. If Ahsoka was alive then maybe Kanan was too. “If he saved you-“

“No,” Ahsoka whispered. “No I-…Ezra wanted to but didn’t…”

“Why, w-why woul-” Hera began, freezing when it finally registered how hesitant Ahsoka was being, “…no…” Ahsoka wouldn’t do that. She wouldn’t let someone die if she could save them…right?

“I had to stop him,” Ahsoka said, confirming Hera’s worst nightmare. “Saving Kanan would have dangerously altered the timeline-“

“But saving you is just fine?” Hera snapped, fighting tears. Why was Ahsoka saying these things? What had happened to the woman who would have done anything to save Kanan? “W-why is okay to save you and not him?”

“The force dictated I had to be-“

“Just shut up!” Hera cried, tears streaming down her face, feeling sick. “No! Kanan’s life is not worth less then yours!” This woman was not the Ahsoka Hera first met, she was not the woman desperate to save as many lives as she could from the cruelty of the galaxy, This woman was a stranger to her. 

“That’s not what I-“

“Isn’t it though?” Hera growled through gritted teeth. “You believe your life was so damn important that Kanan’s couldn’t saved because your life might be put in danger.”

“I’m still needed-“

“So was Kanan!” Hera cried, choking on a sob. “I need him.” When had Ahsoka started believing her life held more value then anyone else’s? When did Kanan’s life lose all value?

“I can-“

“You are not Kanan!” Hera snapped. “You will never replace who Kanan was to me, to my family!”

“I want to be there for you-“

“Stop!” Hera said, “If you actually cared and wanted to be here for me, you would actually be here physically helping us fight not hiding somewhere pretending to be dead!” Hera’s accent was coming out, but she couldn’t be bothered to care. She was angry and Ahsoka was trying to brush off her feelings. “From what I can see, you’ve betrayed the rebellion and everything you once fought so hard for!”

“You know I can’t-“

“No, I don’t!” Hera cried. “W-why do you have to pretend to be dead? Why would the force bring you back just for you to hide like a coward and do nothing to help the billions of lives that are suffering under the hand of the Empire?”

“You can’t understand because-“

“There is nothing to understand! You’re hiding because all you’re concerned about is protecting yourself! As far as I’m concerned, we are done.” As if reading her thoughts, Chopper cut the connection, Ahsoka’s image vanishing. “I hope I never have to see her again.”

_I’m sorry_ Chopper beeped. 

“You didn’t make Ahsoka do these things,” Hera whispered. “I just….I need to be alone Chop.”

_…you should rest._

“I will I just….I need to think.”

_…don’t complain if you are tired tomorrow because you stayed up too late._ Chopper said before rolling out, leaving her completely alone with her thoughts.

Why was her family being punished for what she had done? Why did Kanan have to die that way? Why did Ezra have to be dragged off into the unknown regions with a monster like Thrawn? Why was Kallus being punished for his help on Lothal while everyone else was being rewarded for liberating the planet? Why was Hera’s only punishment being left alone? She should be the one suffering like her family was. She dragged them into the war, she pushed them to keep fighting when they didn’t want to. She was the one who dragged Kanan out of the bars, lite the deep-seeded rage inside Zeb to convince him to seek revenge, convinced Ezra to care again. It was all her. The choices where all hers, so why make them suffer?...or where they all leaving her because they were angry?

Did they realize their pain was because of her? Is that why Sabine is insisting on staying on Lothal? Why Zeb would rather stay on Yavin? Why Ezra was so willing to be dragged into the unknown with his enemies? Was it all just to get away from her? Was she the monster? Did-

“Hera?” Rex asked, yanking her out of her swirling thoughts. 

“R-Rex,” Hera croaked, desperately trying to wipe away the tears. “What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to check in on you,” Rex said, stepping further into the cabin. “I’m glad I did. What’s going on?”

“I’m fine,” Hera lied, taking in a shaky breath.

“You and I both know that’s not true,” Rex said, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. “You can talk to me.” She was tempted to tell him about Ahsoka and everything that had happened but held back. He had been devasted when he learned about her death, it would be cruel to tell him she was alive all this time and simply hiding from them. At the end of the day, as much as she loathed Ahsoka in that moment, she couldn’t bring herself to reveal something Ahsoka clearly wanted to keep hidden. 

“I miss my family,” Hera whispered. “I just want my family back.” Somehow, Rex’s expression became even softer as he said, 

“I know that feeling…. there are times I wish I could bring my brothers back. I’ve lost count of the times I wish I could go back and do it all over again knowing what I know now that could save so many beings from needlessly suffering….”

“My family is gone and its my fault,” Hera croaked. “I made them fight, I dragged them into this war and now they’re gone.”

“You didn’t make them do anything,” Rex said. “They chose stand with you, to fight with you for a greater cause. I know they would all chose to do so again.”

“How do you know that?” Hera cried, body shaking. “H-how do you know they don’t hate me for what I’ve done-“

“Hey, no one here hates you,” Rex firmly said. “When’s the last time you got any sleep? You look exhausted.”

“I’m fine,” Hera whispered. 

“The heavy stuff…it’s a lot harder to deal with at night, I think you’ll feel better after you get some sleep.”

“I can’t sleep,” Hera said, wrapping her arms around herself. 

“It’s hard to get out of your head sometimes,” Rex agreed, sitting down next to Hera. “But you might be able to sleep if you lied down for a bit.”

“I tried,” Hera mumbled. “Theirs just too much going on…”

“Hmm,” Rex said, “Well if neither of us are sleeping, the least I can do is keep you company.”

“Rex, I don’t want to keep you-“

“I can’t sleep right now,” Rex said. “Just got off of patrol, I’m too keyed up to sleep right now.”

“Okay….” Hera uncertainly said. 

“So….what has Chopper been up to lately?” Rex asked. For the next few hours, Rex asked Hera mundane questions about her day or life for her in general and Hera answered, slowly finding the dark swirling thoughts quieting and her body relaxing. She wasn’t sure when she fell asleep, or when Rex moved her back to her own bed, but the next thing she remembered was partially waking up in her own room, Rex sleeping in a very uncomfortable looking position in a chair in her room. As he drifted back to sleep she found that Rex was right, things did feel a little less heavy, by morning, she would find that, for the time being at least, everything was just a bit more bearable.


End file.
